closure;
These past few months have been nothing short of tumultuous. Within the span of seven months, I made and lost a very good friend, I screwed up several other friendships and I nearly lost one of the most important people in my life. I was selfish and irresponsible and that caused hurt to many people whom I care about and who care for me.
I'm truly sorry, for the hurt that my actions have caused, although I know that no amount of apologies can undo the pain or bring back the guileless nature of those relationships that have now been tainted. It will take a long time to regain the trust that I've so carelessly disregarded, before the name "Sheena" sheds some of its negative connotations, but I am confident of making those changes happen.
And as far as changes go, I've come to realize that I've grown out of pandoran-perv and blogspot. I've come a long way with this account, with entries dating all the way back to December 2003. My own ambiguity never fails to amaze me when I attempt to read through my older entries and figure out what I was agonized about then. And the nature of this blog is such that I only write when I'm emo, so everyone who reads it probably think that I'm perpetually stuck in prepubescent angst.
Hence, I've decided that the time has come for me to move away from this blog and have a fresh start HERE. And if you're laughing at what could possibly be the cheesiest username ever, that's good! Because it is meant to be funny, lame and yet represent this new beginning and fresh change.
这一次我们都能更幸福。
nights like this;
This postcard on PostSecret made me think of a Neruda poem:
Clenched Soul
We have lost even this twilight.
No one saw us this evening hand in hand
while the blue night dropped on the world.
I have seen from my window
the fiesta of sunset in the distant mountain tops.
Sometimes a piece of sun
burned like a coin in my hand.
I remembered you with my soul clenched
in that sadness of mine that you know.
Where were you then?
Who else was there?
Saying what?
Why will the whole of love come on me suddenly
when I am sad and feel you are far away?
The book fell that always closed at twilight
and my blue sweater rolled like a hurt dog at my feet.
Always, always you recede through the evenings
toward the twilight erasing statues.
手放开。
you can't lose what you never had.
Sonnet LXXXI- Pablo Neruda
And now you're mine. Rest with your dream in my dream.
Love and pain and work should all sleep, now.
The night turns on its invisible wheels,
and you are pure beside me as a sleeping amber.
No one else, Love, will sleep in my dreams. You will go,
we will go together, over the waters of time.
No one else will travel through the shadows with me,
only you, evergreen, ever sun, ever moon.
Your hands have already opened their delicate fists
and let their soft drifting signs drop away; your eyes closed
like two gray wings, and I move
after, following the folding water you carry, that carries
me away. The night, the world, the wind spin out their destiny.
Without you, I am your dream, only that, and that is all.
paralysis;
你在哪里?
这些年来如意不如意?
还快乐?还单纯?还美丽?
时光如何对你?
我在这里
人海中的一座岛屿
很平静，风平浪静
只除了深夜里回忆会疯狂来袭
我很想你你知道吗
如果可以就让我再见你
美好微笑清澈眼睛
好确定那持离只毁了我一个而已
我很想你
听见了吗?
这是唯一我无解的困境
那些过去不肯过去
不管我后来遇见多少人
只能叹息
都不是你
This is heartbreaking.
resolution #2;
I should stop being useless.
